How to Gentrify a Neighborhood

As the rising costs of real estate slowly swallow up even the blandest parts of Ronkonkoma, more and more fresh-faced college kids will be thrust into the rougher-hewn parts of our abandoned cities. Once there, they have a choice: they can either struggle to survive, or they can pull themselves up by the bootstraps and do what it takes to find good risotto in what is now known as the Stabbing District. Here are some tips to keep in mind to ensure a safe and happy transient experience there.

First off, eye contact. Make too little and you'll look like the timid outlander that you probably are. Make too much and it's just plain uncomfortable. One common technique is to assume you're in an oversized prison. In jail it's customary to beat the first guy you see over the head with a chair to show everybody that you're not weak. If you do this, be sure that they live in the neighborhood, otherwise it's just downright cruel.

Dress to avoid attention. One helpful way to do this is by walking at night and hiding in the shadows. If somebody sees you, stab them immediately as they might report to others that you were prancing about like you owned the place.

Trying the local cuisine while you're there will show an appreciation of your surroundings and can be quite enlightening. If you happen to get a burrito made of cat meat, take it in stride and learn to get a taste for Malta Goya instead. Under no circumstance should you try the homemade drinks stacked in the refridgerator next to the soda. They are for display purposes only.

Now, before you go out there as an unwitting pawn of the real estate market, be sure to avoid fixing things up too much. That decoupage you just added to your mailbox seemed like a good idea at the time, but it will just encourage your landlord to kick you out and raise the rent. This can get a bit tricky. Sure, you don't want to live in a nightmarish crime world, but who wants to pay a gazillion bucks just to live near the urban Olive Garden. The trick is to make sure the neighborhood looks like a nuclear wasteland from the outside, but is a cozy and warm opium den on the inside. Get a few friends together to decorate the neighborhood by smashing as much as you can, then dress up like mental deffectives or morlocks and accost anybody that looks like they don't belong.

As a rule don't gussy up anything that can be seen from the street. If the neighborhood has a less than cordial name, like Hell's Kitchen or Death's Veranda, stay with it. In 10 years it will seem quaint and historical compared to any random nomiker thought up by real-estate agents.

—October 24th, 2003

• » New World Order: The Board Game!