Useless Political Terminology

"To be conservative when you're young is bitterness, to be liberal when you're old is denial."

The modern political system as we know it is doomed to failure. It's based around meaningless political terms and vague ideas. Maybe at some time in the past words like Whigs, Tories and Dixiecrats meant something, but nowadays it's all just gang warfare. For example, somewhere around the Civil War, Democrats and Republicans switched ideals with each other. Heck, even words with actual definitions like liberal and conservative have been mixed around enough to dissolve any use. Political liberals should actually be called progressives, who are the opposite of conservatives, so they're not confused with libertarians. What this means for the Canadian Progressive-Conservative Party is anybody's guess. And don't get me started about what a contradiction neo-conservativism is. Now consider that all of these terms are completely different from one country to the next and you begin to realize how nebulous it all is.

This is why any good cult or anarchist collective worth it's salt will have a manifesto to refer to. The problem with those is that they don't leave room for flexibility. You watch one episode of Friends and you're automatically part of the bourgeoisie. What we need are new terms that will incorporate absolute beliefs for today's wizened populace.

Hypocrititcal Populism - They believe in a firm stance on whatever is in the news that day. Common amongst swing voters and fashion designers.

Ranting Lunatics Party (RLP) - Very similar to the Monster Raving Loony Party in Britain during the Seventies. Their beliefs can range the spectrum of fiscal conservativism to social liberalism, but their tendency to smoke is an absolute.

Snide Condescension Party (SCP) - They prefer to abstain from arguments in favor of murmuring slander under their breath. They consider the world run by a conspiracy of stupid jerks who don't shut up. Polar opposites to the RLP.

Apathetical Denialist - Not an actual party or organized worldview of any sort. More of an aggregate of people who tend to say "whatever" a lot. The more militant wing are refered to as Armchair Radicals and may have allegiances to the RLP.

—November 14th, 2003

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